Tired

Week one was a rollercoaster! The first three days were horrible in ways I’m glad to be done with. The doctors adjusted the fluids and things have been better since. I’m still very tired, but have been able to slug on a bit each day to accomplish the minimal things. I find I can muster about 15 good minutes, which result in the need for about 30 minutes of nap time. I used to think that naps were good, but I’m starting to get tired of nap time too.

 

Dr Crossen (a strategy prof at school) suggested that cancer patients find benefit by finding something that they can call worthwhile at the end of the year. Currently I’m burning my CD collection onto a hard drive. I do need to find something a bit more worthwhile. I’m not sure what that is to be yet, but getting out of bed in the morning seems like quite the win right now.

 

Overdue Update

The surgeries are well behind me and I was feeling great this weekend. We had a blast with Vikas in town and had a big diner party Sunday night. I do truly enjoy a big diner party, which while much work to host, is worth it in so many ways.

 

Yesterday, I started the drug treatment. When I talked to people on line, I was doing well except I was cold. Cold to the bone. In hindsight that wasn’t so bad because later in the afternoon the flu like symptoms got me bad. Shivering and sweating, and throwing up like a college kid was not fun. Thankfully I held down the meds long enough to pass out. Demerol was a handy little friend. This morning I have a splitting headache, but all the other symptoms have abated. I’m really not excited about day two, but can only hope that I’ve worked through the flu part and can function normally.

 

I guess that is it for now. Seems like there should be more, but…

 

Ah, yes – treatment regime. So I get to be filled full of drugs every weekday for a month by IV line (I have what they call a PICC line so I don’t get a new IV every day). After that, then I get a shot every three days for eleven months. Fun stuff!!!

 

Update on cancer boy!

I’d like to thank all of you that have sent me notes of concern and sympathy. It is amazing how technology creates such a little village in which to live. I was profoundly surprised by those that grit their teeth and apologized for not staying in better touch through the years. It seems to me that we are still so close thanks to blogs and the internet that I have never really thought of it that way. I will avoid getting on the soapbox of how twitter and short cryptic facebook updates have reduced the quality of the connection for now, but I still bemoan the briefness it creates.

 

From a family update perspective, we’re starting to reconcile the shock of the whole situation and have worked through the reality of it all. I think it helps that we know I’m not going to die from this since the current odds are well in my favor. It was somewhat dark and dreary in the house as we pondered my impending doom. Since nailing down the diagnosis, I think we’ve returned to a semblance of business as normal. The processes of the day and the requirements of life continue despite the cancer so we soldier forth and get things done. It’s been somewhat brutal to pull up the academic boot straps and rally before exams which start the 12^th. I’m pleased to be able to salvage the module of school and not lost any ground. A little give on the GPA is I think to be expected.  

 

From the medical front, it has been a somewhat disappointing week. I had thought I was done with surgery but it seems like I’ll go under the knife again. I find out Thursday what exactly is going on and have been highly unimpressed by the lack of clarity. I was further aggravated by a conversation I had with the OBGYN that pointed out the problem in the first place. He agreed with my thought that the lymphoid did its job and “caught” the cancer cells that may simply have been released when the family practice doctor did the punch biopsy. He then wondered why said doctor would even fathom a punch biopsy as compared to just removing it with a margin around it. The conversation was highly frustrating, especially as he concluded that he still recommends the drug therapy since there might still be cancer cells floating around between the original spot and the lymphoid that caught it. The conclusion that I really couldn’t skip the drug treatment was not so much a disappointment as it was just the painful acceptance of what must be.

 

So the future looks pretty much as it did when we first announced this little dark cloud in the distance. A bunch of appointments and consultations through the next few weeks, ending before drugs start on the 26^th. That is still the big question in all this, how will I react to the drugs. On the good end, I might have no negative interaction and can function as normal, or I could be functionally crippled for an entire year. I don’t really fear this question, I just put it in God’s hands and hope the prayers many are offering give me a big fat pass on the horrors this medication can hold.

 

On a cheerier note, I saw pictures of Truman this morning at the pumpkin patch. My kid is just so darned cute! He is growing and learning so much.

 

 

So I have cancer...

So while below I have scribbled much as I went along this journey. Let me add first the simple executive summary.

• I have Stage 3a Melanoma (skin cancer).
• It carries a 5 year survival rate of about 70%
• Earlier this week we didn’t know whether the survival rate would be 25% or 75%
• We have some awesome freaking friends
• I profess my faith and trust in God for delivering on the many prays said on my behalf and getting us this far with such good medical care.

Next Steps
• Another quick surgery
• Another bunch of tests
• Another bunch of consults around fertility before the dreaded…
• Year of nasty drugs. It won’t be “Chemo” but the drug carries similar side effects in both breadth and severity
• A quick one module sabbatical from the MBA program (I hope)
• I plan on surviving this and living a long healthy life




Notes on Death

Melanoma he said over my cell phone at 8:30am, along with the fact I needed to come in earlier than previously scheduled. “Huh” was the only passing thought, as I went back to work. It was month end close, and I had to play the role of an accountant again this month. I didn’t think about it again during the day.

At the appointment late that afternoon, I still didn’t think much of it. Yeah, ok I thought, so you’re a generalist and since it’s a big chunk of skin, you want a plastics surgeon to cut it out. Fine, I mean it’s just skin cancer. Then finally I get my head in the game, benign is good, malignant is bad, but what does melanoma mean as a type of cancer? What’s that you say? All Melanoma is malignant. Oh! So has it spread? We don’t know, and away we go into more explanation of a general sort that seems to put me at ease.

From stage left enters Mr Gore and his lovely invention “the internet”. A word of warning, stay away from the internet if the doctor has already told you that they won’t know much until after some tests come back. More importantly, if you wait for each of the several surgical consults, then it’s a little gift each visit. The internet on the other hand, gives you way too many possibilities and complications to think about. Things you don’t need to think about until after you get the results of the next test.

So you have all this great generic information, you kind of know the odds, but you really don’t know anything concrete. So you wonder, you wonder and you fear. You fear, for death may just be knocking on your door, or worse, he has already wandered in and made himself comfortable to wait until it’s time for you both to leave together. Worse, he might spend a considerable kicking the crap out of you first…

The internet is not only a horror for yourself, you’ll find it used against you as well. While I may go to my deathbed swearing I’m smarter than my wife, she will forever work harder and dig deeper into things. The feisty little thing that she is, dug deep, not just into what I had, but how best to manage it since obviously her only acceptable answer is for me to survive. The resulted in the honest question; do you really want to survive if you’re never going to eat steak again? Horrible as it may seem, our little beloved knife of a research tool has indeed declared that you must cut away the complex fats in meat and beef in particular. The leads to new and exciting menu options, most of which are vegetarian, and you should note that I’ve never known a tree hugging quack of a vegetarian over five and a half feet, let alone six and a half. I got to six foot five inches by eating, eating well and eating a lot. Unfortunately, it is nothing but bottom of the food chain grub from now on out.

I did have an early win on the internet front. I commanded from on high that Cat should not read any further on the internet, which I believe saved her much stress. While she was busy on the nutrition front, I had delved into stats and survival rates. Keeping her in the dark about some of that was a blessing for as long as it lasted. (Last week)

The secrecy has also been hard to deal with. Who do you tell and when. My mother certainly couldn’t be told in the beginning because well, the results of that are unpredictable and just something I’d hate to have to deal with. Will she go off the deep end mentally; would she show up on our door step? I can’t fathom it. Then there are the friends, I feel almost dishonest, but what would you tell them, currently we just don’t know. Thankfully that will now be past us as well.

The cross roads I stand at presently are both a relief and yet still quite daunting. The diagnosis is not nearly as bad as it could be. I believe we caught it in time so to speak, and the future treatments are considered a preventative but necessary therapy. They will be rough on all of us, but with friends, family and faith I know we’ll get through it.

School for me too!!!

FaceBook contains all these exciting updates of kiddo’s heading off to school from their excited parents. I’m just now realizing that I’m the horrified student that must give up the freedom of summer and must also trudge back to academia. I have enjoyed school, both the mental stimulation and the people I get to share the experience with. That said, I am NOT looking forward to starting back up for the fall semester. I have done an excellent job of avoiding the pre-reading, and will pay the price for that tonight and Friday night as I race to get ready for Thursday and Saturday classes.

 

The break was long… Three weeks with two weekends. I think it spoiled me and while it contained a bunch of to do list items, it wasn’t too bad.

 

To the kiddo’s out there – I feel your pain, and good luck in class.

 

Things that make you laugh but that should really just make you pause and wonder about humanity

you know every so often you see something so outrageous you just have to laugh:

 

(334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

 

But then you think how on earth someone comes up with stuff like that... it is really just messed up.

30, Thirty, 30

It seems all around me. Many young beautiful woman I know are turning 30 this year. While I many not have had a crisis as I turned 30, all the chatter around turning 30 by these people is starting to make me feel old… I turn 32 later this year.

 

Heck, even my spry little wife rolls over the hill this year.